I woke up with two thoughts in my head.
One, it’s really time to clean my house.
Two, look how fabulous Jane Lynch is.
Let’s toss that first thought off, shall we?
Did you see Jane on the Emmys broadcast? Wasn’t she fantastic? She got to crack gay jokes all night and dress up like a transvestite lounge singer.
I’ve been a fan of Jane ever since Best in Show in which she played a lesbian dog trainer. I’ve often wondered why she wasn’t famous; it took her years to get noticed and now she’s everywhere. She has her own book. Every week she chews up the scenery on Glee. She even eclipsed Angelina Jolie in Vanity Fair this month with a rockin’ and raunchy interview about her fabulous gay-ness.
Jane has finally joined the most exclusive club in show business.
She has become a power lesbian.
I’m pleased to see that the PLs have taken over daytime television. Ellen, of course, is outstripping the sexually ambiguous Anderson Cooper who was supposed to be the hottest ticket in daytime. Instead AC has proven to be nothing more than a momma’s boy crybaby who had to borrow furniture for his talk show set from Matthew Weiner over at Mad Men.
The Oprah Winfrey Network managed to snag the Mother of All Bitches, Rosie O’Donnell, who next week threatens to beat us senseless with her Donald Trump impressions and cute kids with lesbian moms stories.
Lesbians have become cooler than they already were. Now that they’ve got gay marriage — a long fought for and well deserved accomplishment — they seem to have everything.
In addition to her talk show, Ellen DeGeneres now has her own recording label featuring sexual ambiguous young boys. She also has an unbelievably hot wife, Portia De Rossi, who is so beautiful, she could even turn me.
But Jane Lynch is an icon. She’s sassy, bold, beautiful, funny, bitchy, mean — all traits we straight women aspire to have.
What’s more, she’s gotten to the apex of show business without the help of a man!
The power lesbian has figured it all out. She doesn’t have to prove anything. She’s not interested in being a stone cold, manhating dyke. To the power lesbian, men are irrelevant, as they should be.
Power lesbians, like Jane Lynch, have found the secret to success. Dress nice, embrace your inner blonde, and flirt with the guys. Cause everybody knows that all men think lesbians are hot — except for Rosie, who’s just plain scary, and Chaz Bono who’d rather be a dude.
Men love to watch lesbians have sex scenes with the fellas because guys know that lesbians would rather not — and that makes them even hotter.
Pity Rupert Everett who, while also hot, is forced either to embrace the best friend roles or to toil in the backroom as a voice-over artist giving life to cartoon characters.
Nobody, apparently, wants to see a gay man kiss a woman anymore. The days of Rock Hudson are gone baby gone.
But put Saffron Burroughs in a big bed with Brad Pitt and yipppeeee!
It took a while, but thanks to Ellen and the fabulous Jane Lynch, the power base in Hollywood is shifting.
We’re proud of you, Jane. We’re proud of you, Ellen. Not so much you, Rosie. And Chaz, we need to talk.
Up with power lesbians, I say.
Keep ’em comin.’