Lord Tubby takes off


Look, it’s Ben Mulroney on the red carpet at the Toronto International Film Festival. His eyes are searching for the next big celebrity; who could it be? Let’s see, there are the Colins, Farrell and Firth; Brangelina; the Sarahs, Jessica Parker and Polley.

But wait.

There’s a real Canadian superstar.

It’s the King of all Canadian media: Conrad Black! He’s dragging along his waif like wife Babs, all dressed up, celebrity-style like Jackie Kennedy with the black shades and all, looking every bit like she’s just downed a litre of True Blood.

He steps up.

“Lord Black,” says BM. “What a surprise. I thought you were in prison.”

Lord Tubby issues a guffaw.

“Oh, no dear boy. I’m actually not here. I am back in prison. This is merely my avatar, the one I created to do all the media interviews about my new book, A Matter of Principle which is available for $23 at Costco for executive members only. You’ll be seeing me everywhere this weekend. I’m in the Globe and Mail twice today and I’m on CTV’s W5 with Lisa the Fan Dancer.”

Lord Tubby is suddenly teleported from the red carpet into the CTV studio for a gabfest with Lisa, then whisked to the executive offices of  Vanity Fair for another blorg with his pal Graydon Carter.

Seriously, what’s going on?

Why is the media giving so much face time to a convicted criminal who’s playing hide the soap in prison while I am writing this? Isn’t it against the rules for a convict to profit from his crime as Lord Tubby is doing?

He’s obviously trying to earn enough shillings to keep Babs in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed down there in South Florida by flogging his book and suing everybody on the planet.

I personally don’t think Judge Amy should have sent him back to the slammer. A better punishment would be to shun him, have everyone just ignore the old coot. Better yet, put him into witness protection and give him a new identity, say, the creepy guy running the rides at Six Flags.

Send him to a monastery where he will have to take a vow of silence for the next seven months. That would be just as good.

I’m hoping every penny of his book goes to the people he swindled. He deserves the same kind of treatment as Bernie Madoff, as far as I’m concerned.

He’s a crook, and an unrepentent one at that and everybody is treating him like a movie star.

What’s next: a new reality show from prison? An exercise video? A music video with Snoop Dog and Justin Bieber?

Babs could join the Real Housewives of Florida, perhaps.

It’s ridiculous.

Blacky, Black. Shut it already.

If you do the crime, you do the time.

Stop blabbing about it.

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