Budgie Smugglers

My topic today was inspired by a story in the Daily Mail which revealed that there is an epidemic of budgie smugglers among older men.

The horror!

For those not familiar with this term, budgie smugglers are little bathing suits favored by Europeans. According to the story, men over 59 prefer to wear these tight-fitting little snappers instead of the looser fitting variety favored by younger men.

My personal experience at the beach confirms this finding. Older men like to wear their junk on the outside. And for the most part, their tight little packages are bundled up like Christmas presents in neon colors.


The non-erect penis and a ball sack tied up in lycra has no business on the beach. 

I’ve never sat on the beach with a girlfriend and said: “My, that’s a nice looking package. Too bad it doesn’t come in a bigger size.”

The penis and ball combo is ugly, unsightly even. I don’t want to be looking at that while I’m tucking into a foot long hot dog at Wasaga Beach. Or a packet of licorice.

There is nothing in the Canadian Charter of Rights that says a man has a right to go balls out. Community standards need to be upheld.

I expect the male package to be camouflaged at all times.

It’s the same thing with nipples.

Don’t wanna seem them, no way, no how. No one was more grateful than me when the Sixties were over and girls started wearing a little padding around the aerola. Nip shots are fine if you’re Farrah Fawcett, but most women have saggy mams after a certain age. Or else they have no boobs and the nips just emphasize that fact.

Mystery, that’s the key.

Back to the package.

I want to be surprised, shocked even, when I first see a man’s junk. 

It should never be on display.

And you know what else gets me? The guys who wear budgie smugglers shouldn’t. For the most part, they look like school kids who’ve misplaced the classroom chalk.

And the whole ball thing, well that’s just gross. I’ll leave it at that.

I’m not necessarily a lover of board shorts, either. Boys just look stupid and sloppy.

The perfect bathing suit for the male should be a compromise, made of nice parachute cloth, lined. It should hit mid-thigh. In a solid color. Preferably black.

When I’m eyeballing a man on the beach, I’m more interested in his tush and his chest. (Pot bellied pigs, please, put on a shirt.)

That’s Fashion File for Friday.

You’re welcome.


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