Goodbye Charlie


During the summer doldrums, there’s nothing like a good killing.

The big speculation this week is how Two and a Half Men will dispatch Charlie Harper now that his alter ego, Charlie Sheen, has been punted from the show. British bookmakers are running the best odds that the Warlock will die in an horrific car crash.

I don’t think so.

When it comes to Charlie Sheen, Chuck Lorre would be within his rights to morph into Jigsaw, make a CGI of Charlie, then saw him up limb by limb. Or douse him with lighter fluid and have the boys roast marshies on his behind.

Charlie pretty much deserves whatever he gets.

He’s been a very bad boy. He’s cost his network a lot of money basically threatening to take a cash cow and sell it off for spare change. He’s a selfish, yet surprisingly impish, fellow who deserves a decent drubbing at the hands of his writers who almost lost their livelihood due to his selfishness.

I’m been doing some heavy thinking over coffee, and I’ve come up with some scenarios.

  • Death by strippers: Charlie finds himself in a death camp masquerading as a strip club where he is forced to ingest tassles, and is subsequently strangled by a G-string. The boys scatter half his ashes at the Playboy mansion, then fire the rest out of the cannon first made famous by Hunter S. Thompson.
  • Death by support payments: After learning he is the real illegitimate father of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, Charlie is sued and counter-sued by his many exes, leaving him penniless and despondent. When he defaults on his payments, he is sold to a Chinese restaurant whereupon he is served up as a nice Moo-Shu pork.
  • Death by his own hand. Taking a page from the Rod Serling classic, The Hand of Borgus Weems, Charlie’s right fiddlin’ hand becomes possessed by an evil spirit. In panic, Charlie cuts the hand off but it gains control of his Lexus, then steers him off a cliff, trashing yet another car and Charlie in the process. Or at least that’s the story.
  • Death by record producer. Charlie is mistaken for a blonde B actress by Phil Spector, who takes him back to The Wall of Sound and “accidentally” shoots Charlie with his own firearm.
  • Death by hedgefund. Charlie realizes that his business manager has invested all his money with Bernie Madoff. Charlie is found penniless and hungry wearing an outfit he stole from Target. He dies of shame.
  • Death by executive producer. Chuck Lorre merely posts Charlie’s obituary in the vanity cards at the end of the show. Nothing is said.

I like the last option, myself.

However he meets his maker, let’s hope Charlie goes quietly.

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