Welcome to University, your new home for the next four years.
It’s an exciting time for any boy or girl, a time of self-discovery and growth, maybe the first time you’ve been away from mommy or daddy.
It’s a well known fact that many students are not prepared for entry into the world of big people. There will be lots of temptations — easy girls with big breasts, the guy at the end of the hall with the five metre bong, fancy bottles with foreign names on them.
During your first weeks here — before you settle down to your studies in earnest — you will be expected to engage in a variety of forms of unsavory behavior. You will feel pressured to prove you are not a wimp, band geek or loser. Orifices will be open to you freely without benefit of latex. Beer taps will be flowing, oh yes they will.
Health Canada is warning that students who engage in risky behavior may not make it through university and will find themselves punted to the other important department of The Harper Government, Human Resources and Development Canada, where you will find yourself searching for a McJob, welfare or worse. You may also find yourself in a much, much more serious place, a place from which you cannot escape where you will be making fine cabinetry for $2 an hour.
You don’t want that to happen to you, right?
In the interest of preparing you for your new journey, Health Canada offers these tips to play safe:
- Drink beer only. Studies have shown that students who drink beer may only experience slight headaches and nausea after a night of fun. These symptoms can be alleviated with over-the-counter medication, orange juice, coffee and a McDonald’s Egg McMuffin with hash browns.
- Avoid any drink with a name you can’t pronounce. Absinthe and Jagermeister may sound like cool drinks but combined with Jello shots and margaritas can result in heart palpitations, gut rot and sleeping with ugly people.
- Bring your own and count your drinks. Gyrating on the dance floor and swilling from a kegger can send you into The Lost World, where rooms swirl like a Midway ride. If you can’t bring your own, bring six quarters and every time you have a drink, remove a quarter from your left pocket and place it into your right pocket. This will help you remember how much alcohol you’ve consumed. Plus, you’ll have bus fare at 2 a.m.
- Never go to a second location with a hobo.
- Beware of food prepared by inexperienced classmates. Drunk people stick their fingers in all sorts of bad places; they also forget to wash their hands.
- Always order pizza from a recognized source.
- Don’t eat anything off the floor.
- Always carry a condom. Even if you don’t get lucky, they make great water balloons!
- If you find yourself in the following situations: blackouts, in a bed with twins, in a ditch, at the police station or being rolled by homies, you may be experiencing symptoms of early onset alcoholism. This condition can limit your upward mobility unless you are considering professions such as public relations, journalism or politics.
- If you have one or more symptoms, you should give up drinking and become a Buddhist. Drinking is not your friend!
- Finally, must we say it again? Don’t drink and drive. Your parents will never post your bail, and God will never forgive you.
If you follow these guidelines, you will keep your liver safe and your dreams intact. You will also maintain your good lucks into middle age.
Failing to heed these warning could leave you uninsurable, stinky and looking like this: