Deliver me from Johnson&Johnson

I have safely crossed that great female divide into menopause and now I have to put up with new commercials trying to make me feel warm and snuggly about my next big adventure — incontinence.

Every ten minutes, I see Whoopie Goldberg, in a variety of disguises admitting: “I leak”.

Other ads feature anonymous women dancing, golfing and having fun in pee pants made in a variety of colors.

Disposable pee pants. Really?

There was nothing in the female handbook about this particular dilemma.

I thought once delivered from menses, my life would begin anew sans mountains of disposable paper products and the ever-present Advil on the counter.

I presumed I would be unsanitary and pad free forever.

I presumed wrong.

I feel cheated.

For thirty years, I’ve been a slave to my reproductive system and its quirks and quarks, and now I must suffer in silence with a bladder constantly on vacation?

I blame the advertising agencies, those evil doers who are forever searching for the next big thing.

Now that baby boomers rule, the adverts have all been revamped to target the droop and drip generation.

We are now being duped into buying an entirely new set of products with names like Depends and Poise, to guard against bladder leakage for both sexes, not to mention ads for pills to revitalize a man’s flaccid third leg.

Is there nothing sacred?

I was looking forward to Freedom 55, now it seems the future Depends on Poise — trendy looking adult diapers infused with organic air fresheners made from the essence of lilac and patchouli oil!

Oh, my Lord, please, deliver me from Johnson & Johnson.

What’s the alternative — actually doing those Kegel exercises promoted inexplicably by our male doctors who don’t have anything to Kegel?

I tried the Kegel method which only made me look perpetually surprised.

When Kegel didn’t work, I did what every informed consumer does — I scoured the Internet. On one web page, I discovered that you could make pelvic weights out of a combination of Kinder Surprise, fishing wire and pennies. I tried this, and can’t say it worked. But at least I always had spare change.

The best solution I found was to exercise and lose some weight.

Still, every once in a while I am surprised.

My newest strategy involves learning to say no to free comedy tickets, and Ultimate Frisbee.

Realistically, I definitely see paper products in my future, but I don’t want to be reminded of this fact every ten minutes on the television.

Let me enjoy a few years without having to contribute significantly to the world’s stinky landfill situation.

Thank you.


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