This piece of drivel ran in the Guardian the other day.
For those of you who don’t want to waste your time reading it, I’ll give you one paragraph and you’ll get the drift. The point was to give Kate and Will advice on their upcoming trip to Canada and the American left coast.
This is what it says.
But first, a word about (sniff) Canada: we Americans don’t have much time for that place. Though it is much bigger than our country and has a saner attitude to things like healthcare, Canada Condescension is pretty much an American national sport. Think of America as the flashy brother and Canada as the bookish sister… Don’t say how much you enjoyed Canada. We don’t want to hear it.
After I read this column, I was ready to kick some American ass. How dare an American talk about Canada that way? But then I realized this was just an English twit posing as a Yank.
Still, I would like to point out the following.
- Most of the movie stars Will and Kate will meet are Canadians. We took over Hollywood a long time ago, back when Louis B. Mayer got bored with salmon fishing in New Brunswick and decided to start sucking money out of the U.S. economy. Mary Pickford, another Canadian, came with.
- Most of the funny people in L.A., meaning the writers, are from Canada. So are all the best singers. (In fact, Justin Bieber now is the biggest star in the world.)
- With the exception of Robert Duvall, all American movie stars love coming to Canada. We put them up in nice hotels, understand the concept of portion control and give them tax credits.
- A Canadian doctor saved Michael Douglas’ life, after all your high priced hacks couldn’t find his throat cancer. Our Montreal doc just looked in his throat and said: “You have cancer.”
- Anyone who assumes — writer this means you — that Canada is for wimps just has to visit Vancouver during playoff season.
- It is true, you have Barack but I’m pretty darned sure Laureen Harper could take Michelle in a dirt bike race.
- Donald Trump is American.
- We drink beer that Jon Stewart once remarked is stronger than moonshine.
- We raised him, but you Americans are having to foot the bill to put Conrad Black up in the big house. Score!
- Our dollar is bigger than yours.
- You have all the guns, but we have all water.
And last, but not least, as we are still officially part of the Commonwealth, Will and Kate belong to us. They are just on loan to you.
Stick that in your paper box and smoke it.