James Moore: The drowsy chaperone


The nation’s capital is all abuzz with anticipation for the visit of Kate and Will.

Everyone is busting a gut trying to give them advice about cool places to go, and things to see.

And the government, for its part, has announced it’s giving the Young Royals a hip chaperone, an up-and-coming cool dude, the youngest minister in Stephen Harper’s Cabinet.

James Moore is putting on his boogie shoes to swan the Royals around Canada!

James Moore?

Please.

Have you seen this dude? He may be thirty-five but he looks forty-five with his slicked back lawyery hair and rotund (too much pasta at Mama T’s) frame, and boring navy suits. He’s a museum opener, for Christ sake.

Is this the best that Canada has to offer — a metrosexual political junkie who looks like a middle-aged Jonathan Winters?

I would have given them Laureen Harper.

She looks like she could drink anybody — even Prince Harry — under the table.

Aside from their drowsy chaperone, Kate and Will get to go up on Parliament Hill and watch six French Canadians acts no one in the country has ever heard of, along with some Indian throat singers, Ukrainian dancers, lame children’s choirs and the sweat stained armpits of Alan Doyle.

Why not just let them go to the Bluesfest?

Okay, let’s be real here.

Everyone wants Kwill to have a rocking good time, but they aren’t going to.

They have to tour around in the blistering heat accepting roses from school children, then they will be treated to a state dinner sitting with a bunch of Tory nobs. And then they have to knock heads with David and Sharon at Government House which is like spending more time with Charles and Camilla, but probably less fun.

Being a Royal is a bore, bore and a half and it’s nice that this young couple will fulfill the dreams of young girls and grannies everywhere.

Surely we could be more imaginative. Throw them a bone at least.

I’d love to see the protocol people change it up. Have Kwill show up on Parliament Hill in a helicopter piloted by Will! Land on Parliament Hill, shake a few hands and blow off to the Muskokas for a barbeque with Goldie and Kurt.

If they’re going to the gawd damned Calgary Stampede, let Will put on the chaps and do a little steer wrestling.

If the steer loses and breaks its leg, they could give Will the honor of shooting it.

Royals get off on that sort of thing.

While they’re in Calgary, they could stop by in Manyberries and have a few glasses of wine at the Last Chance Saloon with Ron Wood, and feast on some of Ron’s famous chili.

Wowi-kazawi.

Ron could take them out to pop some deer in the morning.

Now that’s a Royal holiday.

But this isn’t a Royal holiday. This is an official visit.

They’ll be exchanging politically correct bon mots with James Frigging Moore.

That is why I’m giving the Royal Visit a miss.

I’ll be sitting in my backyard launching a pre-emptive strike, doing some pre-drinking in honor of my 55th birthday which is the next day.

Listening to poor Jeff Healey.

Maybe Kwill could stop by, snap a cap and try some of Scott’s maple bourbon ribs.

They can park the helicopter at Elmvale Shopping Centre. It’s a five minute walk.

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One thought on “James Moore: The drowsy chaperone

  1. Great rant Rose.
    I do like the idea of Will flying a chopper in over Ottawa & landing on Parliament Hill.
    But why just *land* the chopper? How about a parachute landing on the Hill?

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