Tony Clement: The Biggest Loser

If I could have any job, I would like to be Auditor-General of Canada.

The power. The prestige. The sheer bitchiness.

It is a menopausal woman’s wet dream.

Powerful men are afraid of you. The media are in love with you.

I was thinking today that OWN Canada could launch a new reality series, Audit This!

The producers could follow the AG and his/her staff around from department to department and watch grown men and women plead not to be ratted out for running lame and wasteful programs. The Department of National Defence would be a great place to start. Everyone knows what money wasters the generals are.

The final episode could pit the AG against one of the ultimate money launderers in the Stephen Harper government — Tony ‘five finger discount” Clement.

I’d love to watch Tone squirm in his chair trying to explain that stupid fake lake as well as gazebos and rinks in Muskoka that absolutely nobody will use but customers of Deerhurst Inn.

Boy, that whole G-Whatever was a complete waste of taxpayer’s money. It reminds me of all the largesse Chretien put into Shawinigan, where your taxes now go, or all the prisons Mulroo had built in Baie Comeau. Oh, and let’s not forget Lloyd “Show Winnipeg the Money” Axworthy.

But at least those projects, as dubious as they were, did create jobs and revenue in those parts of Canada.

What are you going to do with a gazebo? Hire Walter Ostanek and his polka band and hold a town dance?

Tone has some real ‘splaining to do.

Maybe the whole thing could be settled — I’m talking reality television here — with a little mambo between the AG and Tone in a tub of mud. Then they could attach ropes to the gazebo and haul it around town like the folks on the Biggest Loser.

The AG could bring in Gail Vaz Oxlade and have her sit down with the big spenders and offer them $5,000 if they could find some savings in their budgets. But I’m sure every deputy minister would be an utter failure at this exercise.

We’re sure going to miss Sheila.

She would have been a reality show dream.

I wish she could stick around.

I don’t think there is anyone as intimidating on the Planet Earth as that dame.

Wonder what she’ll do next?

I hear they need a bouncer down at O’Doole’s.


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