Please be kind with your behind

I’ve discovered being a shut-in has its advantages.

Like, for example, the fact I haven’t been sick for five years.

Not a sniffle or a piffle.

I’ve had bragging rights over all the family, watched them toddle off to the hospital or clinic with various ailments including strep throat, near pneumonia and the like.

Not me, ah ha! I was germ free. That is, until recently.

I must sadly report that my vigorous good health has been compromised like a computer after a bad Facebook virus.

I’m sitting here, my friends, still sick with a horrible cold, scratchy throat, runny nose.

I feel like a bug crushed by a rock, oozing bodily fluids from all orifices.

How did this happen, you may ask, trying delicately to avoid touching my computer keyboard.

I blame the gymnasty.

Since joining my wonderful exercise facility, I have had two horrible maladies, this cold and a cringeworthy bout of pink eye. If Dr. Oz came along with his infra-green germ counter, he probably would have blamed the latter on, arggghhh, fecal.

Oh, my ever-loving God kill me now.

I blame the dudes.

They never wash their hands, and they always use the rowing machine.

There they are slippin’ and slidin’ along accompanied by their disgusting bacteria. They only pretend to wipe down the machines.

It’s not just me who has been complaining.

Scott discovered some very interesting stains on one of the weight benches, and I can no longer even approach that piece of machinery.

It’s not the fault of the gymnasty. There are spray bottles and hand-sanitizers everywhere.

And everyday, I religiously wash off my machines and use my elbows to extricate myself.

Unfortunately, a couple of times, I forgot to wipe off the machines before I sat down.

Which is why I’m writing this now.

Dudes, word.

As my laundromat lady reminds us with a big sign: “Please be kind with your behind.”

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The $10 Life.

Thank you.


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