Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye


I was on the bike at the gymnasty this morning, and I turned on CNN because there is never anything on Saturday morning, now that the satellite bosses have replaced Will and Grace on the W Channel with the Business News Network.

Bastards!

I’m watching CNN because  the other channels have nothing for me. Sell this House! (Don’t own one)  Sugar pie on the Food Network (Diet)  The Shopping Channel (No money)

Talk turned to the two searing topics of the day.  Is Lance Armstrong taking performance enhancing drugs (Dah!) and the End of the World as We Know It. (Sheesh)

A nice young man named T.J. (aren’t they all named T.J.?)  asked viewers what they would do if today was the beginning of the end.

I think: why am I watching this?

Then I think, well, what would I do?

First, I’d stop watching CNN. I’d get off the bike immediately and head for Starbucks for a nice full milk latte. No skinny for me.

Then I’d zoom through the drive through at McDonald’s and get a delish Sausage McMuffin, hash browns and a Coke. I haven’t had a Coke in years.

After I stuffed myself, I’d go to the liquor store and pick up the makings for martinis, and add a bag of wine and a case of beer to my cart.

I’d go home, put on Mama Mia, pour myself a good stiffy and drink it.

That’s the first few hours. Then, in the afternoon, I’d order an all dressed pizza and eat it all myself.

Then, I’d have a short nap.

Then I’d watch the entire last season of Weeds.

I would be pondering why Mary Louise Parker was always getting into a pickle and then realize that I’d forgotten Scott at the car dealership. I’d call him and tell him to take a cab home, as I wouldn’t want to spend my last hours in jail.

Perhaps I would have already called him, after the gymnasty, and picked him up before Starbucks.

I’d have to change the movies. He hates Mama Mia.

I’d call the kids early in the afternoon and invite them over for a barbecue and earthquake.

Make a nice dessert, maybe with strawberries.

Get absolutely hammered, fall into bed and hope it doesn’t hurt.

Question: Who gets to go to heaven, if not me?

I’ve been a good girl. I’m rather meek, in fact, so shouldn’t I inherit the God damned Earth?

Sorry, Lord, about the God damned part.

So I’d probably add in some praying. The favorite prayer of reprobates everywhere. Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

It’s not a pretty end of the world story, but it’s my end of the world story.

What’s yours?

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