Terminator: Year of the Big Sloppy Dick


Move over Tiger Woods.

The tabloids have bigger fish to fry.

There is news today that Arnold Schwarzenegger not only cheated on wife Maria Shriver for twenty-five years, but also fathered a child ten years ago with a member of their household staff.

Arnie apparently told Maria in January and waited until his term as the governator was complete to let the word slip to the media.

How is it possible, in this day of relentless media attention, that Arnie got away with keeping this secret as long as he did? 

The media must have been fooled by Arnie’s nice and boring nature. There were no telltale signs that Arnie was a philandering asshole, right?

Come on. We’ve been hearing the rumors for years. Extras and starlets have come forward to say that Arnie liked a little slap and tickle on the sets of his blockbuster movies.

The celebrity media is not very smart. Or maybe they didn’t want to get sued.

The story about Maria and Arnie has been in the news for weeks, but all we see on television these days is Mary Hart’s big farewell. And Oprah’s. And Regis’. And Meredith’s. And Katie’s.

What gives?

Truth is, there are two classes in celebrity land.

There are the pals.  The Mormons. The Scientologists.

And the Kennedys.

You never hear anything about these folks until an actual body turns up.

Especially now that Dominick Dunne is dead.

Then there are the rest. The Blacks. The Hispanics. The Reality Stars.

Mel Gibson.

The pals are protected real estate.

So no  one should be surprised about Arnie keeping another Kennedy secret.

Also, there seems to be an unwritten rule that it’s okay for guys to cheat early and often.

These guys don’t change. Any woman who is part of the First Wives’ Club knows if he cheats once, he’ll cheat again and again. Cheaters are like prison inmates; they just get better at their craft. They’re better at hiding it, right?

Arnie probably kept his secret longer because he hasn’t learned how to text-message yet. At least in English.

He  is an old-fashioned guy. He still smokes cigars even though he’s had heart surgery. He probably still takes performance enhancing steroids in addition to Viagra. Once a pill popper, always a pill popper.

Arnie was always about performance.

As bad as a I feel for Maria Shriver, who reluctantly gave up a terrific career to be mistress of the mansion, she must have known about his dalliances and chose to look the other way, to keep up appearances, so the neighbors were no more the wiser.

She just told Arnie to be discreet.

It’s the way of Kennedy women, after all, looking the other way. Joe Sr., Jack, Bobby, Teddy — all great and powerful men — but all with their dicks hanging out so much they resembled gas pumps.

Meanwhile, their women chose to stand by in silence while Marilyn Munroe was giving them blow jobs, probably all at once.  There have been stacks of books written about the famously flawed Kennedys, who always pushed life to the limit whether they were playing football or sailing or fornicating or plane flying without proper instructions.

So one can’t help but assume that when Maria went to her mom with news that Arnie was doing the horizontal mambo with starlets, extras and the help, Eunice advised her to keep that massive chin up.

Standby her man. 

Give up her career for the greater good of California.

No point tarnishing the family brand.

This all may be good news for Maria, if she regards her cup as half full.

There are lots of spots for middle-aged female anchors and chat show hosts opening up.

Her old pal Oprah has twenty-four hours to fill. She can join the Judds and Shania, to search her soul on a three camera shoot.

Staring thoughtfully out to sea, she can examine the Kennedy legacy from her million foot sailboat.

I despair for the rest of us.

I’m concerned that these scorned yet somewhat wackjob women are becoming the new role models.

The Hills, for the older set.

Oprah Winfrey Presents: Kennebunkport with Maria Shriver.

As for Arnie, I’m sure he will be just fine. Hear he’s making The Terminator: Year of the Dick.  

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