The feces festival
Anderson Cooper has poop all over his smartphone and his glasses — apparently.
Andy was incredulous. Where, he asked, did all the poop come from?
He could have asked me.
I could have told everybody that Andy C. reads in the bathroom and texts while taking a crap.
Like everybody else does but doesn’t admit it.
Frankly, I think Andy needs more fibre.
I kept the telly on the same channel and later in the day, CTV Ottawa had a news feature on GERMS in the CAPITAL. They sent intrepid reporter Catherine Lathem out to swab grocery carts and purses and buses. And she found the germs contained in poo everywhere! Apparently, nobody washes their hands.
I was particularly disturbed when I realized that part of the reason there is so much e coli on shopping carts is because people put their babies in them. As the commercial says: “My diaper is full; full of fashion — and poop and I’m going to get it all over your ground beef.”
Woof. I do not want to use a cart anymore.
Doctor Oz started this trend of swabbing everything and showing people where the germs lie. He pointed out that people should close the toilet lid before they flush, lest the poopy germs waft over the counter and land on their very expensive Oral B toothbrushes.
In other words, ladies, you are brushing with your own shit.
These are facts I do not want to know about. I have been pretty well oblivious to the whole brushing with shit thing, and I haven’t realized until this very week that babies’ bums are creating an epidemic in this country.
We can’t control the world, no way, no how, and we have to get out there and live in it, but the media is making us all too squeamish to do so.
I don’t even want to go out of my house anymore. And I don’t want anybody to bring stuff into my house unless I hose it down first.
What’s worse, is in a couple of months, we will be bringing one of the biggest threats to humanity into this very house — a baby — and I don’t know if I’m prepared to endure the whole feces festival.
I’ll have to haul in a whole peck of gloves and pounds of sanitizer lest Wheels lets fly on our unsuspecting household.
Oh, mother of God, kill me now.
I’m with George Carlin on all of this. He grew up swimming in the shit expelled from millions of New York bums and he never got sick. He never washed his hands after going number two, either. Unless he got shit on them and that only happened half a dozen times a week.
I do wash down the machines at the gym and I do wash my hands before I leave the gym. That’s because I have been sick three times since I joined in March — and I am never sick!
Hmmm. There are no babies in the gym, unless they’re hiding in the gravity yoga hammock.
Wait, I said this to Scott and he pointed out the place has a daycare.
Babies in my gym.
Now that’s some weird shit.