Live with Regis and Kelly in Ottawa!
I am writing on behalf of the citizens of the Great City of Ottawa, Canada’s national capital.
You might have seen us with Will and Kate.
Laurie might have mentioned she grew up here.
(Please don’t hold that horrible Canada Day show against us. It’s not our fault that the National Crapital Commission found all their talent at Tiny Franco Talent Time.)
Anyway, I would like to invite Regis and Kelly to our fine town to do your show this summer. I understand I’m giving you late notice, what with Regis moving on to greener pastures in the fall. But I am urging you to come to Ottawa and help us out — just like you did for P.E.I.
We promise you no government involvement in the show itself, though we are prepared to offer you some juicy federal, provincial and local tax credits plus free accommodation at some really swishy pile courtesy of the Canadian Tourism Commish.
Ah, Ottawa, sweet land of subsidy.
We already have a stage we can set up on Parliament Hill and little green buses to ferry you around town.
There won’t be any politicians in town (sshh! don’t tell them) as they will all be at barbecues in their ridings and off taking trips to foreign lands on the taxpayer’s dime (Mac Harb/Colin Kenny come on down!) We’ll tie Jim Watson up if we have to.
Here are a few fun segments for you to consider.
- A funny skit in which Kelly dresses up as a Mountie and saddles up for the RCMP musical ride with $7,500 boots.
- An even funnier skit in which Regis and Art Moore take part in the Changing of the Guard in 35 degree heat. If you want an extreme challenge, there’s nothing more extreme that standing on Parliament Hill for half an hour in red serge with a bearskin topper. Don’t forget to bring the smelling salts!
- How about a cooking segment at the American ambassador’s pad involving seal flipper, cod tongues and bear paw? We don’t eat those, of course, but people outside of Canada are still convinced it snows here in the summer, so why mess with a good thing?
- Care for a little bungee jumping on the Quebec side?
- How about a skate with the Ottawa Senators? Okay, maybe just with Alfie since he lives here.
- Start your morning with Breakfast to the Max! at the Newport with Max Keeping and the Elvis Sighting Society.
- Like baseball? How about throwing out the first pitch with the Fat Cats? Act fast, they won’t be here long. No baseball team can survive in a city where most activities are free, thanks to taxpayers elsewhere in Canada.
- A scenic tour with Paul’s Boat Lines.
- A performance of Monkey Junk at the Rainbow.
- And last but not least a plowing match at the Navan Fair.
When the cameras are off, we can take you to some real hotspots, like Bare Fax for a little beer and ballet, the Prescott for a meat ball sandwich or MacLaren’s to shoot some stick.
See, Ottawa’s not boring!
We’re not bureaucratic.
We’re just plain folk who happen to live in the cheapest city in Canada — because everything here is funded by the Canadian taxpayer.
So please, come and help put Ottawa back on the map.
Please help undo our reputation as the place where fun forgot.
No National Crapital Commission involvement. We promise.
Oh yes, and don’t worry, if you speak French on Air Canada, they’ll speak it right back!