Hey Hollywood: No more straight gays!
I was bored one day last week, and I decided to watch Away We Go, starring John Krasinski, That Nice Jim from The Office.
I thought it would be a nice rom-com to pass the day away, a real feel good movie.
Should have changed the channel.
The movie was disturbing right from the get-go.
It started with a scene with Jim, the Nice Guy from The Office performing oral sex on his movie wife, Maya Rudolph.
He says this.
“You taste different.”
She was horrified, as all women would be, thinking maybe she needed a shower.
He laughed, reassuringly, and suggested maybe she was in the family way.
I threw up a little in my mouth.
I am really, really sick of these “going down” scenes — involving men and women. They do not add anything to movies, nothing what-so-ever. I also want to throw my wine glass at the television whenever I see these girls being pleasured by “back door action”.
All the girls seem to be enjoying this unnatural violation, and you never heard any complaint about bladder infections.
I don’t want to see this while I’m eating.
The whole “you taste different” thing was the most disgusting movie opening I’d seen in a while.
And I watched Pornucopia on HBO.
As a viewer, I feel I’m being tested these days, and filmmakers stretch my gag reflex.
And I think they’re giving the kids bunches of bad ideas.
Like vaginal jewelry.
I don’t want to see anything to do with vaginal jewelry. Don’t want to think that girls put sharp objects down there.
I’m also having difficulty with the amount of gay sex, particularly gay sex involving actors who are straight.
Just this week, I was watching The United States of Tara and the whole plot revolved around Tara as Buck going down the road on the girl from Big Daddy, after which Max, Tara’s husband does the SAME GIRL. Meanwhile, their teenage son has his first George Michael experience in the bushes, saved only at the Eleventh Hour by Max’s friend who I assume is another straight man playing gay.
Why do all the gay characters have to be played by straights?
There are lots of gays in Hollywood in need of work. Why ruin my perfectly fine fantasy about Colin Firth when Rupert Everett has been looking for work for years. Ditto, Neil Patrick Harris. Why is Neil Patrick Harris always playing a womanizer when he can sing show tunes?
Like Nathan Lane, who is my all time gay hero. Why? Because he’s gay and gay.
It’s all the fault of the Weinsteins who insist on having straight actors play “against type”. It’s an Oscar conspiracy because every straight actor playing gay automatically goes in the running for an Academy award.
The Academy says: “Wow, Colin Firth is playing gay; he must be some good actor.”
If Neil Patrick Harris did it, they would say: “Come on, he’s just playing himself.”
Then there are the straight lesbians. Yeah, Julianne Moore, I”m talking to you.
In The Kids are Alright, two of the most beautiful women in the world were cast as lesbian parents. They went from glam to flabby and in need of powerful skin cream. Ditto for Charleze Theron in Monster.
But guess what?
Yep. They get Academy Awards noms for playing ugly.
Word. Not all lesbians have pooch and bad skin.
What do you think Jane Lynch or Cynthia Nixon would say if the Weinsteins rang them up and said: “Hey, we’re doing a lesbian movie. Can you pack on 50 and lose the moisturizer?”
It’s insulting to gays and it’s insulting to the audience.
It’s also insulting to show tunes.