Will and Kate: Rocking Ottawa in style
Prince William and his lovely bride Kate will be embarking on a two-week tour of Canada in July.
Why don’t we try to give them a special time while they are here in Ottawa.
Forget the tours of the Experimental Farm, no inspection of the Governor General Footguard. How boring is that for a couple of 30ish newlyweds? Let’s do their gig up in fine Ottawa fashion. Here are some suggestions:
- A gold circle pass to the Ottawa Bluesfest. The young royals like to get down, so let them spend a few days chugging Beau Beer and listening to whatever aging rockers Monahan has lined up.
- A day at the waterslide at Mont Cascade. What a great photo-op, with Princess Kate rockin’ a two-piece.
- Visit to the spa. We’re recommending that while Kate gets a mud facial, Will gets a little help with that male pattern baldness. Ask his mum’s friend Uncle Eltie; nobody needs to have a chrome dome in this day and age.
- Pub crawl. Ottawa has some of the finest purveyors of brewski in the country. Why not make a day of it in the Market, and just get blasted. Invite some of the boys up from Petawawa; Will’s going to feel right at home shooting some stick, maybe taking in some beer and ballet. (Maybe leave Kate at the spa.)
- Shots in the landau. Beer chasers.
- Fashion time. Kate can pay a visit to Richard Robinson; maybe Dick-Bobinson still has a remainder on that little Marlen Cowpland number with the diamond for a nipple.
- 10 k: I’m sure we can find a 10K for cancer happening somewhere in the nation’s burg.
- Beaver! Tales! Don’t worry Willster, we’re not talking about listening to your granddad’s exploits over rum at the Legion. We’re talking dough, we’re talking sugar, we’re talking heart failure with a big double-ya on it.
- Sporting activities. DragonBoat races, Hope Beach Volleyball, anything involving a firearm and an innocent mammal.
- Golf with Alfie: Maybe he can explain to you why the Senators sucked this year.
- Greekfest: In honor of Will’s lineage. Opa!
Please avoid AT ALL COSTS…
- Parliament Hill. It’s the kid’s table.
- The RCMP Musical Ride. It ain’t that musical.
- Tea on the terrace with Dave and Sharon. Too bad they missed, Ms. Michaelle, she rocked Rideau Gate.
- Anything with John Baird. No beards necessary.
- A visit to Tim Horton’s with Jim Watson. Our mayor might be cheap, but we’re easy!
For those Ottawans willing to participate, there are some standing rules of protocol for the new Royals.
- Only curtsy when you are wearing underwear.
- No squirting beer through your nose, unless on a bet.
- Yulmulkas all round — makes the Prince feel less insecure.
- Mesh lingerie optional.
- No flouncy hats, just toques and beer hats.