The Right Wing
From: The Leader
To: Faithful Followers (bcc: Western desk, Eastern desk, Ontario desk, Quebec desk)
Re: Silly Office Budget Questions
My dearest little reformers:
You might have noticed press reports this week that we have overspent our office budget by 30 percent and that the budget has soared to a record-breaking $10 million. I would like to take this opportunity, as your Leader, to put this whole nonsense into perspective.
As you know, being in a minority government situation is difficult. There is no question, we are the best team but, believe it or not, not everybody thinks so. There are Russian half-wits, socialists, commies and separatists out telling the public that I am a control freak, not worthy of this high office.
I don’t have to tell you that this is nonsense. We truly are the only alternative. If we need to be a bit autocratic, so be it. We are right.
Never forget that.
And I am the smartest person in the country, maybe even the world.
We all know that the national press gallery members are the enemy. They hate us. They make fun of us. They run pictures of me in funny cowboy costumes. All the while, those traitors to the country across the way are getting off easy. True, they aren’t the government, but still.
Sure I could have saved a few pennies by sending out so-called Cabinet Ministers and Members of Parliament (it is to laugh) instead of doing everything myself. People might think that we could save the taxpayer money because these folks travel every week to their ridings, so they could take a bit of the load off me, and maybe Loreen would give me more visitation with my kids.
But truth be told, I just can’t take the chance.
I have to give these loafers in my inner circle (bwah hah hah) a few things to do, I mean they are Cabinet Ministers and MPs. They’re just window dressing, be assured.
I mean would you trust what’s her name in Public Works to deliver a message? What about that Peter Kent? He was once a member of the Parliamentary Press Gallery, for Christ’s sake. And that Vic Toews, just don’t get me started.
I’m making sure that Peter McKay keeps his powder dry over there in Afganistan so he won’t try to knock me off my stool. Screw him, I say. They say you should keep your enemies closer, but the farther away McKay is isn’t far enough for me.
You may have noticed that I’ve been spending all my free time — when I’m not criss-crossing the country with The Message — out of the country in various countries with names I can’t pronounce. I’ve left the One Person I Can Trust, Pitbull Johnny, to keep the Infidels at bay, while I try on fun costumes and eat funny food. Don’t panic; every leader does this when he’s having a little blip in his popularity. Best to keep under the radar from time to time. Pierre could have taught a master class in being the Invisible Politician.
Besides, I’m in need of a few new Hong Kong suits now that the old waistline is ballooning up again.
Truth be told, I was just waiting for hockey season. I’ve got season’s tickets, so I won’t be able to travel so much. I mean, someone has to prop up the only Senators who count in the country.
Anyway, take care, my children, my flock. I will be home soon and we can share a glass of Kool Aid, the berry kind, that’s my favorite.
Keep those messages flying out your Outlook box, my little reformers. Make sure my calendar is full.