Evil lives here


By Rose Simpson

Dr. Evil is giving me a pain in the backside.

The arrogant worm is refusing to give out lawn signs in his bid for the mayor’s chair on the basis that he wants to be gentle with the environment. He’s not going door to door, either.

Instead, he’s relying on big Dr. Evil rallies, or small Dr. Evil rallies, at pubs around town. He is doing this because going door to door is hard work, and the cameras aren’t following him around. There are no double enders at the door; only angry taxpayers or commuters who think that baldy’s draconian policies stink.

What’s his platform?

Freeze public service wages. Oh, right, now there’s an original thought. Oh yes, and something about a God damned downtown tunnel which will take forever to build and won’t do anything to improve transit outside a few blocks downtown. Where Doctor Evi lives.

I saw him on the tube the other day, at his campaign kickoff, down the street from where he lives, and he was grinning this maniacal grin. He seems to have morphed over the summer from the Dr. Evil we know into a face mosh-pit of the Austen Powers character and Jack Nicholson as the Joker. He’s also got those shiny eyes, the kind that glow with craziness.

Can’t vote for him. Nope. Change the channel.

I’m no lover of politics, anymore, and I won’t be caught dead at a rally, but I did order up my Jim Watson sign, if for no other reason than that I like signs — they are democratic and they give a person the sense of who has momentum. I’m sure that’s why Dr. Evil doesn’t have signs because, if he did, people would know that he’s behind — way behind.

That’s what happens when you don’t start campaign until a month before the election. It’s also what happens when you have lame policies that nobody will vote for. And a head like cue ball. And a mouth that looks like it has just had a feed of hamsters.

Brrrrrr.

Good thing Dr. E. isn’t going door to door cause I would punch him in the gob. Just for being him.

Let’s see if Ottawa voters agree with me.

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