Father of the Bride: Part III
By Rose Simpson
Scene I: Father of the Bride sits amongst half drunk glasses of champagne, plates covered with cake crumbs. He gingerly removes his left shoe and rubs his tired feet. Head down, he lifts his hound dog eyes and addresses the camera.
I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet. They fall in love. He buys a ring. She buys a dress. They say, “l do.”
I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I’ve just been through one.
Not my own, my daughter’s– Chelsea Clinton – Mezvinsky.
That’s her married name– Mezvinsky.
I’ll be honest with you. When Hilary and I were living in the White House years ago, it cost less than this blessed event…in which Chelsea Clinton became Chelsea Clinton-Mezvinsky.
I’m told that one day I’ll look back on all this…with great affection and nostalgia. I hope so.
People think I’m a rich man, but do you realize how many speeches I had to give to pay the $2 million this wedding cost? Two.
Let’s face it; Hill’s not bringing in the bucks anymore, and we couldn’t exactly figure out how to get the DNC to pay for it.
And the bridesmaids, those luscious, nubile, plump breasted Jewish girls, I mean, let’s face it, I’m only human. I had to take medication to keep little Bill from, you know, twitching. I was afraid people who mistake me for a gas pump. Old joke, seriously.
I love my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but as Paul McCartney can tell you, you spend all the money you like on a Vera Wang dress, but with a daughter like mine, you get a girl who only looks like a swan from the neck down. She is a Clinton, after all.
Too much money, this affair cost me too much money, and nobody, absolutely nobody paid attention to me. If they weren’t faux swooning over Chelsea, they were button holing Hill, or salivating over Barack. Or Oprah!
But what about Bill? (Shakes his head). Doesn’t Bill get any sugar anymore?
Just from the girls on the wait staff. At least they still wanted my autograph — and you better believe I gave it to them. Over and over.
Hey, I’m only human!
Anyways, truth is, now this little affair is over, I can just kick back these dogs, relax a little, have me some Kennedy time.
Hey, I’m awake, I’m dressed, think I’ll just go into town to see what kind of action I can scare up.
(Smiles, winks, points to the camera) You take care, now! Vote Democrat early, vote often. And hey, the oil spill wasn’t our fault. Hill and I were out of the country!
With apologies to Nancy Meyers.