God Save the Queen
By Rose Simpson
I know it might be old-fashioned, but I like the Queen. She’s our little bit of colonial sunshine, a reminder that we were once part of something bigger than ourselves.
Really, Queen E reminds me of my mom. They were the same age, and I always thought my mom looked like her. So when I see a picture of her, I think that’s what my mom would have looked like if she had lived past her 68th birthday.
But God, she has ridiculous children. I mean that whole thing with Prince Charles and Camilla. All that fuss over a dowdy bottled blonde who looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet. And Prince Andrew’s ex, Fergie – I think it’s about time that he booted her to the curb. What’s he doing letting her live in his castle? And what does she do in return? She gets loaded with an undercover reporter and tries to sell out her former Prince Charming. And then she goes on Oprah and prattles on about herself in the third person, about how she feels sorry for that woman in the video. How weird and absolutely gauche.
The best two royals, in my view, are Edward and Anne. You never hear about them. They go along in the world, opening art galleries and inspecting troops and they keep their mouths shut and their antics to themselves. I mean, they might be into S&M or bestiality and such (as Royals are well known for their sexual proclivity. After all, they named a penile piercing after Prince Albert) but you never hear about it.
The kids aside, I will be happy to see the Queen when she comes to Canada to celebrate the country’s birthday and mine. She will delight the schoolchildren and the old mams, wearing those linen and silk suits and silly hats of hers. And she will read something badly in both official languages on Parliament Hill, and she will do it on time and on cue.
I don’t think I’d be swanning around foreign countries, opening this, speaking about that, at her age and stage. I’d probably be in a senior’s facility or worse. I’d be gumming my cereal and watching Maury reruns, I’m sure I would.
People should stop whining and give her one last curtsy.
As for the rest of them, they can get stuffed.