Jack Bauer on Dancing with the Stars?
By Rose Simpson
It’s finale week, and Lost got everyone off to a bizarre start Sunday. I suppose J.J. Abrams simply decided to tie up the storylines by tossing the various plots out the window. It reminded me of one of those sitcom episodes wherein they show highlights of past shows, a sort of greatest hits episode.
“What have we got this week, Joe?”
“I’ve got writer’s block.”
“Let’s do a highlights reel.”
M*A*S*H used to be great for this in its heyday, but then again, every M*A*S*H episode was a gem. Lost? Not so much.
(Spoiler alert coming.)
Christian Shepherd to Jack: “Your dead, I’m dead, they’re all dead. Deal with it.”
Next stop, the finale of 24 in which everybody else decides to save Jack Bauer for a change.
President Taylor orders assassins to stand down seconds before Jack gets a slug to the head. She’s the first president to get a conscience since President Palmer, demonstrating that only blacks and women can be ethical. (All the other white dude presidents, especially needle nosed Charles Logan have been snake oil salesmen on this show.)
So Jack gets a reprieve, at least a short one. The Prez gives him just enough time to get out of the country. Cloe looks on mournfully as Jack’s bulbous nose fills the screen, the first real tear jerker moment since Jack’s first wife took one for the team.
Question: How is Jack supposed to get out of the country unnoticed, what with having been shot in the shoulder, stabbed in the groin and tasered everywhichway, oh yes, and dragged out the back of a moving ambulance? The writers have a few weeks to mull this over before they start working on 24, the Movie. Blech.
I’m thinking they should bring J.J. Abrams in for a consult. I mean he can invent all kinds of scenarios involving smoke monsters, elves and self-consuming burning bushes. Though it sort of looks like Jack might segue into the super-hero genre, you know, like go to the local costume store and find himself some flattering tights.
Better yet, let’s put Jack on Dancing with the Stars? Unlike Kate Gosselin, Jack wouldn’t complain about a little tendonitis.
Then there was last week’s House finale, in which Dr. Cuddy reveals she’s in love with House. Very, very wise, Dr. Cuddy. Bring home to your newly adopted baby a drug addled sex addict whose only interest is to ruin other people’s lives. Well, all I can say is that Wilson must be relieved.
The big finales have been saved for tonight and tomorrow. I’m talking, you guessed it, Dancing with the Stars and the Biggest Loser. Prediction: I think the figure skater will win. Biggest Loser? Everybody loses. It’s a slam dunk.
As for me, I will be looking for other distractions. Maybe I’ll take a class in waterboarding.
(Why has no one called me to write a television column? I am available, I have no life and I watch too much television. Oh, and I work cheap.